she loves me

she loves trey, she loves her dad, but she loves mommy most. sometimes it's frustrating to be the only one she wants, but i really love how much she loves me. i know I won't always be the centre of her little world, so i remind myself to enjoy all the moments we spend together. she's happiest on mom's lap reading books and singing songs, she loves to cuddle with her blankets and watch "the little mermaid" while we sing a long, and i love the little conversations we have; she is talking way too much, and way too good for such a little person. she is definitely my shadow, but i love the feeling of her soft, tiny hands playing with my hair and touching my face, and her little voice "help, peassss" when she needs something. treys most frequent line is "I'll do it allllll by myself" so i know these days where mom is priority #1 won't last long. so, when she wants up, i carry her around on my hip and read that same book for the 100th time, because as much as she loves me i still think i love her a little bit more.

in case you were wondering

6 days until Brock is done finals!
20 days until Christmas Day!
27 days until New Years Day...aka, my due date!
eeeeeeeeekkkkk!

i cannot believe it's all so close!
...but then again, maybe i can.

if you've ever been pregnant before you know what i'm talking about- insomnia, no bladder control, pregnancy mask, congestion, braxton hicks, bruised ribs, and pelvic girdle pain... and if none of those things mean anything to you- you're lucky, and i'm jealous :)

i am getting very anxious, nervous, and so excited for labour! i'm definitely at the point where i am ready for it! labour is hard work, obviously- it's called labour, but i have loved both of my experiences so much! i can't wait to see how this labour goes, and get to meet this little baby!
i've had one really long and slow delivery, and one super fast, almost-didn't-make-it, delivery; maybe this time will be somewhere in the middle? i've gone past my due date both times, but we're going to take the carseat to alberta when we go for Christmas, just in case...being early is the only thing i don't feel prepared for, hopefully we're not surprised!

it's going to be a very busy, and very exciting month!

thank you

thank you brock for doing the dishes
thank you saskatoon for temperatures in the +
thank you sweet old man, with a cane, for holding the door open for me, and my stroller
thank you trey and claire for sleeping past 8am
thank you tomato soup- for existing
thank you friend for a kind note
thank you "songza" for endless christmas music
thank you pajama pants for being so comfy

my babies

the past few months have been hard, but being with them each day (and, all day) has brought me so much comfort.

trey is such a big help to me, i can't believe that he is only 3! he loves to help clean up the toys, and make the beds. he plays and shares so well with claire. as its getting harder for me to bend and stretch, he is always willing to get things for me. and the things he's been saying lately are hilarious! most of all, he is so sweet to me. he notices right away if i am having a sad moment, he always gives me a big hug and a whole bunch of kisses and says, "you're sad mom? it's okay. i love you." which usually just makes me cry more. and he is the best little snuggler- when Brock leaves for school in the morning, trey and I stay in bed and cuddle until claire wakes up. i love it.

claire is so smiley and silly. she keeps me busy keeping up to her messes activities, and just when i feel i'm reaching the end of my patience, she says or does something so funny- smart girl :) she's my little shadow, and is perfectly happy to sit on my lap, with her head on my shoulder, probably forever, and read books or sing songs. her favorite toys are her baby and trey's ironman- that's our girl!

they are both so content to just be at home, which makes me happy, because, lately that is where I've been wanting to stay too. 

and then there's this little babe, who really is always with me. being pregnant is physically demanding, especially this time around. but i would not change a moment of it for how spiritually filling it is. feeling this baby move and wiggle is a constant witness to me of Heavenly Father's love and power.

i am so grateful everyday to be a mother to these three. even though it has been a tough time, not all of my tears have been sad ones. i have felt my family's, and Heavenly Father's love for me so strongly, so many times. i am so blessed!

trey is tres

as of october 4th, we have a 3 year old! he had his first "friend" party this year, and then we ended up going to alberta to be with family that weekend so he got to party with his aunties and cousins too! it was a memorable weekend!

i remember the day(s) i was in labour with trey like it was yesterday, we were SO excited to meet our baby boy! he had the most perfect little face I'd ever seen, and i don't think it's changed one bit!

i am so blessed to be his mom. trey is so loving. he loves me and brock so much, he is always saying to us "hey, do you want to cuddle with me?" niether of us can ever say no (a major reason Brock cannot study at home) and he loves his little sister "clairey", he calls her "my baby", and "my girl" and is so good at taking care of her and making sure she is happy. he says the sweetest little prayers, and the longest. he blesses everyone he knows, by name, his toys, our house, each animal he can think of, letters, numbers, the temple, the prophet, the van, and anything else we've seen or done recently!

he is so curious and smart, always asking us about the words and letters he sees, he has to count everything and tell us all the colors of everything too.

he loves all his superheroes and power rangers and pirates, pretty much all things little boy, especially when it involves dad playing too! he loves to sing, and swim, do puzzles, color and use stickers, and he LOVES to build forts! he is my best little helper with cleaning up, doing the laundry and cooking. i asked him once to scratch my back for me, and now daily he will just start rubbing and scratching our backs :)

we are constantly amazed at how patient and obedient he is. he is such a good listener, i rarely have to ask him to do something more than once. we'll tell him no and explain why and he'll say (sometimes through tears) "okay, mom." it is so sweet and breaks my heart at the same time. he is just such a tender, caring little man, i hear, "thanks so much, mom" for every little thing i do for him!

it has been so wonderful watching him grow into the amazing, little person that he has become! i love him so much!

november

when i flipped the calendar and saw "november" staring back at me, i was a little stunned. seriously? november?! i feel like Brock started school just a few weeks ago, and that was august. i also feel like I'm about 20 weeks pregnant...but i'm 31...a whole other reason to be stunned! at my doctors appointment this coming week i'll be 8 weeks away from my due date. that means within the next 8 weeks Brock will finish his first semester (only 7 more to go!) we'll drive to alberta, celebrate christmas with our families and come back to saskatoon to get ready to have a baby!

while part of me cannot believe it is already november, the other part is so relieved. i look forward to this time of year all year long! i just love it! and right now, i feel like i need it. i cannot wait to be back with family. that really is what i love the most. being surrounded by the people i love, all the special traditions, and celebrating the birth of the Savior. it really is 'the most wonderful time of the year'! so, (like my other family members) the tree is up, decorations are out, and i'm counting down the days until we are all eating grandma's baking together!

brynn

my sweet cousin brynn, who has been battling cancer for over three years passed away on saturday.

{my aunt has kept a blog of brynn's fight with cancer www.teambrynn.blogspot.com}

in august my aunt told me the doctors said they would lose her to this disease, and about 5 weeks ago she had to stop treatments. i can't really describe how I've been feeling the past couple months, it's hard to live 'normally' when you know someone you love so much is fighting each day for their life. things needed to be done, so i did them, but i just wanted to be with my family, i've spent most days at home hugging and kissing trey and claire. not a minute has gone by that i wasn't thinking about brynn, christy, kevin, sadie, kade and reese, and praying for them to feel comfort and peace. christy would text me updates of how things were going, i'd cry and pray, and then trey, and claire and i would send brynn a funny picture to try and make her smile. i have felt so unbearably sad, and have cried so hard and so long because i will miss brynn, and then i think of christy and kevin and sadie and kade and reese, and it feels like my heart is breaking. i look at my little children and even imagining watching them endure as brynn has is too much. my aunt and uncle are such examples to me, they served brynn so selflessly and supported her in everyway she needed.

the past couple weeks my mind has been flooded with memories of brynn.
I remember holding her when she was a tiny baby and kissing her little lips. when she was a toddler we'd tickle her and pretend her belly was dough and we'd make cinnamon buns with it. she used to sing sheryl crow's song, "soak up the sun" in church when we were singing a hymn. she has always been so sweet, and so kind. even when she was very little she was so in tune with her surroundings and aware of others feelings. she loved sitting and getting her hair brushed and played with, and would sit and let me do braids in her hair, and then she'd lay on my lap while i rubbed her back. i think of so many christmas eve nights with her and my sisters and cousins all sleeping in the bed in grandma's back room. i lived with christy and kevin for the summer in 2007, and even though i had my own room and bed, i spent most nights sharing brynn's single bed. i'm not the bravest person, and christy and I would talk until late and I'd be scared to go into the basement so i'd snuggle in with brynn. once that summer i was going for a run, brynn wanted to ride her bike by me, I told her I was going down heritage road which has a hill and asked if she was sure she could make it, she said yes, so we started going, the way there was fine but when we got back to the hill and had to go up this time, she said her legs were too sore, so I went behind and pushed the seat of her bike, i was grunting and groaning and brynn was cheering me on, we were laughing so hard! brynn loved asking me about who I was going on dates with, she would giggle at all the 'romantic stuff', a few times i brought a date or boyfriend to meet the family and a couple minutes after arriving we'd find brynn sitting on his lap chatting away. she thought it was so funny when she first met Brock to call him 'Brock Obama'! trey and claire love brynn, I think all little children do. i have many little gifts that christy said brynn just had to get for trey or claire. she was always thinking of others. i remember how she looked on her baptism day, and i remember helping her get ready in the temple, how soft and reverent she was, and then watching her be sealed to her family. she looked so beautiful in her white dress, that is how I picture her now.

i was pregnant with trey and we were living in Calgary, when brynn had the first biopsy on her foot, i met them at the hospital and spent the day there while brynn had her surgery and recovered, then went back to barnwell for the week with them, christy called me at my parents a few days later when they received the results, my mom and grandma were out of town, and I was so grateful I could be there, kevin's sister was also there, we just all sat and cried and tried to answers brynn's questions. it seems not that long ago, but then looking at how big trey is how, I can't believe how much time has passed, every prayer trey has ever said he has blessed brynn.

'team brynn' has been a phrase i and countless others have seen and heard a lot the past few years. it truly amazes me at the lives she has impacted, thousands, I'm sure, many who had never met her. 'team brynn' meant supporting her and praying for her as she faced so many challenges and endured a lot of suffering. we were able to visit brynn on her birthday, truly a gift to us because I know she was tired and not really up to visitors. i looked at this sweet girl, praying to not cry in front of her. she wanted to hug trey and claire and asked me about the baby. she looked tired and sick but her sweet and tender voice sounded just the same. hugging her goodbye, i knew this would most likely be the last time I saw her in this life. as we drove away i sat crying and thinking about those words 'team brynn' and what they have come to mean to me. being a part of 'team brynn' means to never, ever give up. to face every challenge with a smile, a real smile. to love those around you and show it by the things you say and do. 'team brynn' means patience and meekness, and enduring. it means a life full of gratitude. it means showing gentleness and kindness to everyone, and being able to laugh at yourself. 'team brynn' is strength shown by faith and wisdom, and courage in the face of adversity. i think of brynn and all that she exemplified, that really is what 'team brynn' means. i will never stop being a part of her team, and trying to be more like her; she was a perfect Christ like example.

this quote from elder Nelson has been running through my mind, and knowing brynn, has brought me a lot of comfort, "it is true. we live to die, and we die to live again. from an eternal perspective, the only death that is truly premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God."
brynn truly was an angel on earth, and now in heaven.

right now

we got home last night from a weekend trip to alberta. it was a fast, but very special trip. we put the children to bed and unpacked our bags. i went in to kiss trey one more time before i went to bed, his little superhero guys were all lined up on a pillow "sleeping" and his blankie was bundled under his perfect little chin. i know it won't be like this forever and it makes my heart hurt. he won't be playing with trains, and trucks forever. he won't spend an hour splashing in the tub, or ask me to kiss his owies better.

our baby boy turned three last week, and when i showed brock the pictures from his little friend party he started crying, neither of us can believe how grown up and happy and sweet this little boy is. i can't believe how big he and claire are getting- i feel like they were both just tiny babies! time seems to be going by so fast, too fast!

right now trey and claire are busy and curious, which keeps me on my toes. claire wants to be held while i am cooking or doing laundry, trey wants me to build towers with him all day, or play puppies and let him lick my face all over. as soon as i turn the water on to shower they are standing there wanting to come in. they both want to be carried inside from the van, and need the same snack and drink at the exact same time. finding 10 minutes to just sit during the day is rare and most days by the time 8pm rolls around my feet and body are ready to collapse. i know what i do all day is demanding, hard work. i also know it is an extremely important work. a couple weeks ago i was feeling defeated. there were so many things i wanted to be doing that i could not find time to do. the next morning i was kneeling (trying) to pray, trey and claire were on my back, climbing over me and sitting on my head. i thought there's no point in trying to do this right now, i laid my head down on my bed and the most comforting feeling came over me. i knew Heavenly Father was aware of what was going on in that very moment. that He knew the things my heart desired. as i went through the day i realized making dinner and wiping the floor could be just as spiritual of an experience as reading my scriptures if i focused on the love i felt in serving my family. thier physical care is important to Heavenly Father, and serving them is serving Him. i know if i do my best He will magnify me to be able to do what i need to. that He sees my efforts in what i am striving to accomplish and whether i think it is or not, to Him it is enough. i feel strengthened in the things i AM doing, and know i don't have to feel guilty about the things i'm not. i have to remind myself there is a time and season for all things. and right now i am blessed to be caring for these perfect little beings.

"another year has gone byyyYYYYyy"

anyone else know that Celine Dion song? i started singing it to Brock on our anniversary and its been stuck in my head for over a week now. you could say the lyrics are pretty cheesey, and that's precisely why i love it.

i honestly cannot believe how much has happened, and how much we've learned and grown over the past, 1, 2, 3, 4 years! it seems like such a short amount of time to have done so much. most of all i can't believe how wonderful it's been.

when we were first married we made a list of our 1, 5, and 10 years goals, truly, most seemed like only dreams. i found the list in my nightstand a few weeks ago and just sat there staring for a minute. so many could be crossed off, I was amazed and so grateful for such a hard working and determined husband, who never gives me reason to doubt his commitment or abilities in reaching his goals, and inspiring me to strive to reach mine.

as each day, and month, and year, has passed I am just more in awe of this man i get to love and call mine everyday. he makes everything fun. he listens to me. he loves me, and shows it in so many ways. as i watch him with trey and claire i am so grateful for his endless patience, gentleness, kindness, silliness, and love. simply put, they adore him, and i know they have every reason to.

i love you Brock.

dragon babies and stuff

yesterday trey and I were sitting on the couch, the baby was kicking and so I put his hand on my stomach and said, "trey, feel! the baby is moving!" a few minutes later he came running up to me, "mom! feel the baby dragon in my belly!"
 what a guy!

whenever claire is upset trey starts singing the song "baby mine" to her. usually just the line, "baby mine, don't you cry...." over and over. so now when claire is crying, through her sobs, she's singing, "baby, baby, baby, cry..."
and when she's bothering trey, or going after something he has, he puts his hand in her face and yells, "swiper, no swiping!" (from Dora) she haaaaaates it!

we've been making some good progress in the potty training scene, and at any given moment it sounds like the World Series in our house! cheering, clapping, jumping up and down, that kinda thing. trey was with me in the bathroom, like every time I go to the bathroom, and said, "mom! you peeeeeeeeed! yay! let me see! good job, you did it!" he was totally talking in my overly excited voice. oh boy, haha!

there's never a dull moment around here, but we like it.

this is what went down after supper last night...i'm not quite sure what to think of it, other than it's hilarious!

sibling spankings from Amy Wilde on Vimeo.

practice, and more practice.

first of all, read this article.

I love it. I love reading and studying about grace. I think it's something that is often misunderstood, just like the author stated, "The truth is, Jesus paid our debt in full. He didn’t pay it all except for a few coins. He paid it all. It is finished.” 

we are not here to pay Christ back for what he has done for us, he asks us to show how grateful we are for it.

I loved the analogy of piano lessons, it was so simple, and yet perfectly depicts the role that grace plays in our salvation.

I really like the thought i am "learning heaven". I feel like with enough practice I can learn anything, and it is so comforting that that is exactly what the Savior asks, because he has already met the demands of justice, he allows us the time that we require to get better- each person is allowed their own timeline. It is so amazing. It doesn't matter who might be ahead, or behind me, as long as I am moving forward, I am doing what he asks. Growing, and becoming more like him. 

when I think about the statement, "his grace is sufficient", I can feel myself filling with hope. I feel worries and self doubt leaving, because I know that statement is true. All I need to do is keep trusting and keep trying. this line has been running through my mind since I read this article, "The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can go home but that—miraculously—we can feel at home there."

What a wonderful promise!

these two

claire is talking a lot more lately, and the conversations I hear from these two are downright hilarious! I spend a good chunck of time hiding and listening to them, holding in my laughter so i don't interrupt. here's a little sample.

claire: hi, trey trey
trey: clairey, come here! hurry, come here! claire? are you coming? it's me, remember? this is trey trey!
claire: hiiiiiiiiiiii
trey: let's get outta here! come with me! this way, i'm leeeeaving!
(then i here laughing and running, then claire crying, then trey trying to pick her up, then more running)
trey: let's go on mom's bed! come up here!
claire: (whining) peasssssss
trey: okay, i'll help you, hold on!
(now i'm peeking in the door watching trey grab claire's hands, then arms. when that doesn't work he gets down and lifts her by her butt, then they both fall over)
trey: mom! help! claire's squishing meeeeeee! wait, claire come under this bed!
claire: o-key
....that's about 2 minutes worth of our day.

these two are mischief makers, they're loud, they're messy, they pick on each other. but more then all of that, they just plain love each other, and it makes my heart feel like it's going to burst!

for me

i write this blog for me. it is in writing that i can sift through my thoughts and feelings. i find things about myself that i maybe hadn't realized before. and i've found that there are few voices that can encourage me as well as my own. i love reading back through the years, seeing the changes, seeing dreams that have become reality, and recognizing lessons learned through challenges. i love seeing the pictures of old houses, smaller babies, and wonderful memories.

brock and i were talking last night about how strange it is to be 'growing up', becuase it's just that- strange. i have learned so much about myself as a wife and mother. lessons about loving, and serving, compromising, and sacrificing. i have realized how much more i have to learn and improve on.

i write it all down to remember these lessons and experiences that have shaped me into who i am, and  will help me become the person i want to be.

why?

i feel like we are entering a new stage with trey, he seems to be leaving "toddlerhood" behind him and becoming a little boy. i love the conversations we have, and hearing the new things he wants to talk about. and now almost everything we are doing involes the words, "why mom?"
the other day we were driving and he was asking me questions, i know time must have kept moving forward, but in my mind it stopped, it was one of those, mylifejustflashedbeforemyeyes, moments. my mind was racing to the future, thinking of those crucial decisions and life altering moments. i thought of the moments in life i have asked, and wondered why?

life has so much in store for my little babies. there are so many things i am excited to teach them and watch them discover, but life also has a way of becoming overwhelming by all that it has to offer. i feel like i try everyday to block out things from my mind that do not matter, and remember the things that i know for sure. to remember the freedom that my faith and family and knowledge of eternal life give to me. i know that no matter what challenges i face and choices i am making, the ultimate "why" that reigns over everything i do, is that i am choosing to try and become a more Christ-like person. 

i know i won't always be able to answer all of the questions my children ask me, but i do know the answers to some important ones.

sweet, sweet summer

for people who rarely leave the city of saskatoon, we are feeling like world travelers lately! we've had a few days in montana, a week in waterton, and a week in provo, and we have loved every. single. minute. cousins, pools, ice cream, lakes, the zoo, duck ponds, spray parks, an aquarium, and lots of sunscreen! i love watching my children have fun, nothing makes me smile bigger than hearing their excited little laughs and watching them explore new things and places. we've had so much fun with family, late night talks with cousins and sisters, i feel so refreshed and renewed talking with people i love so much, about things so dear to my heart. it's all just been wonderful, and i'm going to try my best to soak in all i can until august 16th, the day brock starts dental school, (wahoo!) on to the next chapter of our adventure!

special occasion

from an outside perspective it may seem as though the exciting parts of life are past. i've lived on my own, i went to college, chose a career, graduated, worked, traveled, dated, found the love of my life, got married, moved around, and started a family. what's left, some might ask. we'll, let me tell you, after all of that i feel like life is just beginning! where i am now is where i dreamed and hoped i could be, and worked hard to get to.

our days look very ordinary and very much the same- wake up, make breakfast, get dressed, play, snack, run errands, play dates, nap time, clean up, diaper changes, lunch, diaper changes, play, clean up, make dinner, diaper changes, eat dinner, clean up, laundry, play, clean up, baths, pj's, stories, bedtime. but tucked away between the eating and changing, are the moments that life is all about. i love you's, i'm sorry's, and it's okay's. hugs and kisses, and tantrums and tears. stopping to count the bugs on the sidewalk, splash in puddles, and pick up all the rocks. chasing, laughing, singing, cuddling. racing cars down dad's back, wrapping up baby dolls and rocking them to sleep. wiping runny noses and sad tears. wet kisses, and hearing "i lub you mom".

this is what I've always wanted. this is ordinary life. and i think ordinary life is wonderful!

she's on the move

some recent footage of claire's new trick! she pretty much is trying to get everywhere on her 2 little feet now! i am always amazed by babies learning to walk, they're so brave and trusting and resilient! they just don't give up!

(sorry for my crazy camera job- I just could not stop laughing at this silly little people!)


claire's steps from Amy Wilde on Vimeo.


Claire's steps 2 from Amy Wilde on Vimeo.

room redo

we (we'll, I) gave our room a little makeover. after we moved, I was liking the set-up of everything, but it was all a little random with colors. just a little paint and some curtains was all that changed. can you spot the differences?

before

after

I didn't want to buy curtain rods for hose windows, so I ended up using some dowels (that my friend Sarah gave me for free!) and brackets from he dollar store, all spray painted white... $1 per curtain rod! And I got to use my power tools, no project is complete until I bust those out.

Now that our room is done, I'm all out of projects for our house (for now...) so if anyone wants some free organizing/decorating labour, call me! :)

one year old

it was almost too coincidental, I woke up on claire's birthday at 5am, the exact time my water broke one year earlier, and 11 minutes before she was born. I laid there and relived those moments- how could it already be a year later!

she has brought so much joy to our family. some things are still the same as a year ago, she still has crazy hair, and a little button nose, but her little personality is our favorite. she is sweet and shy, brave and curious, silly and smart. she is a little girl who loves to be held and cuddled, but she also wants to have and do everything her big brother has and does. she's full of smiles and loves to dance and clap and wave. she says dadda, momma, and trey trey. she gives big wet, open mouth, kisses. she loves to hold hands and walk around. her favorite toys are books and babies, and trey's dinosaurs. she's little but tough, she definitely picks on trey more than he picks on her. shes likes to play outside, and loves animals. she loves swimming and splashing in the bath with trey, she loves when her daddy sings to her. around our house she's known by 'little sis', 'clairey', 'tiny' and (my favorite) 'sweetie' by trey :)

only one short year, and we can't remember what our lives were like without you!

happy birthday, my girl.
xoxo