It's 5am

brigham has 6 little teeth pushing through his gums, he's sad and hurting, and hasn't slept more than an hour straight for the past 48 hours. it's heartbreaking to watch him and we've tried all the tricks and he's just miserable. i just got him settled after rocking, bouncing and nursing (getting bit!) for 3 hours and just as I was about to tip toe back to my bed, claire woke up- wide awake, asking for yogurt. 

most days are like this. 

trey and claire did great with sleep training and were sleeping 12 hours through the night by 8 weeks. i haven't done a thing different with brigham, and I think he's slept through the night maybe 10 times in his 10 months. is it hard to be tired all the time? Yes. but I also have cherished all those quiet moments holding my baby in the stillness of the night, it's different with the third baby, there is not enough time to snuggle in the day, so I guess we make up for it at night.

shortly after trey was born I heard someone say that their, "third baby brought them to their knees." I thought it was an interesting statement, and I didn't totally understand, but I do now. when I had one baby I thought I was so busy- and I was, adjusting to taking care of a tiny human 24/7 is hard. even though I loved it all, I wasn't the one in charge anymore, and that's a big change...oh, you wanted to go into that store? well your baby just had a blowout and it's everywhere, so you're going home now... Those kinds of things...I would nap sometimes when he did, or read, or exercise, or just sit and be alone.

A week after claire was born I thought I'd never leave the house again. 2?! I had 2 babies that needed me and I was just 1 person! it took a while to get a good routine going and when the stars aligned and they were both napping I once again had that time for me. 

4 days after Brigham was born I had a realization, I hadn't napped, not only that, but I had not slept. At all. there was no more, sleep when they sleep. it didn't matter how little sleep I got during the night, a new day was here, Brock was at school 12 hours a day, and I had 2 toddlers who were ready to go. Trey was done with naps, and claire stopped shortly after, and here we are 10 months later and I am feeling how I did when trey and claire were 2 months old. 

having 1 child is busy, having 2 children was busy, but something about 3 is just different. It really has brought me to my knees. I have never offered more daily prayers in my life since becoming a mother of 3. I feel like it's actually been just one big, continous prayer. I can't do it alone- any of it. when you haven't had decent sleep in days, your house is a disaster, your toddlers are fighting, supper's burning, and your baby just woke up and is ready to nurse, what do you do? You pray. you pray that the lessons of kindness and love you teach are in your children's head somewhere. you pray dinner's not ruined because you really wanted to surprise your husband. You pray to be calm and remember what's most important. you pray to know how to best guide and teach each child. you pray because you've realized you really don't know that much. you pray over parking spots and lost blankies, about bathrooms; oh, pleeeease let us make it in time. you pray for just one more ounce of energy. you pray because in prayer you can at least talk to someone who you know will listen and who loves you- that's most important. He loves me and I need my children to feel that love.

the amazing thing is that I wouldn't change a thing. even in the most exhausted, crazy moment, I wouldn't want it any differently. Truly. Motherhood is incredible. How can people so tiny teach me so much? I feel like I don't even know who I was before I was a wife and mother. it's draining, refining and the greatest self evaluation there is. I feel confident in being a mother because I know I'm not alone, it's not just me. through prayer I am blessed and made more than just me. I'm more patient and understanding, I have more compassion and even more energy, so that when it's 5 in the morning I can start the day with a smile :)

just in case you don't know what 2 days of no sleep looks like ;)

where has the time gone...

what a crazy month it has been! I'm sitting here thinking how treys birthday was only a month ago; it feels like three months have passed! i honestly don't think i have ever had so much going on- brock is pretty much drowning in school work, church callings, appointments for Trey's foot, joy school...and a million other things i am too tired to think of. I've been humbled the past couple weeks as I have had to pray to simply be magnified to just be able to make it through the day. it's amazing how 'heavy' a million little things can feel, and I know I've been blessed in so many ways to accomplish much more than I am capable of doing alone. but with October behind us, I think (fingers crossed) things should slow down a bit! trey has his surgery on Monday, and they'll put a cast on that he'll have until his foot is healed, so no more weekly trips to the hospital! Yay! Parking at this hospital has been a trial all in itself this month...

and now that it's November, the countdown to Christmas is on! and I may have already put up some Christmas decor ;)

our days, and nights, may be a bit of a whirlwind, but there are still those shining moments that bless me with an overwhelming feeling of purpose. I know that being a loving, (striving to be) patient wife and mother are the two most noble and scared titles I will ever hold, and I am so grateful for each day that I have to try to do my best!

5 years

it's a week, and a  few days late, but happy anniversary to the man of my dreams! i am so in love with this guy! 

I tend to write a lot about our children and being a mother, and maybe don't record enough about the person who is my constant support, encourager, listening ear and shoulder to cry on - Brock. Brock is just amazing, he's a expert time manager and goal setter (and achiever!) he is SO busy it makes my head spin, but he has always made me feel like his number 1 priority! even when the days and months and semesters are looooong, he is always doing little things to surprise me and make me feel so special.  He is an amazing dad, I knew he would be, but watching how naturally and completely he loves it fills my heart to bursting! Our children adore him, and I don't blame them :)

He gets up and makes me breakfast, he knows just the perfect amount of peanut butter I like on my toast, and he always leaves the last yogurt for me. he puts toothpaste on my toothbrush. he is so selfless and patient and kind. I have never once heard him yell or raise his voice over anything. he helps me so much around the house, I'll think he's studying but then I find a clean kitchen! he doesn't complain when he finds me rearranging the furniture or starting another project, or sending him to pick up something I bought off kijiji. he encourages me to find time for myself. he is always complimenting me, telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, and if I buy something new to wear he makes sure I try it on for him. he makes the bed, even to my OCD standard, he cleans the car and takes out the garbage. And a million other little things that just make me so happy!

I was thinking of all the ways we have grown and how our love for each other has deepened over the past 5 years.  he understands the little things that are important to me, and I understand what’s important to him, and we work hard and plan to make sure things stay balanced, that neither one of us is getting burnt out. we both work hard, and life is busy, but we've committed to make sure it's full of fun too. I think the fun and laughter is what motivates us to work hard at everything else. I am such a better version of myself since marrying Brock, it's only been 5 years, but it's hard to remember how life was without him. I'm so grateful we have each other.

everyday

 I've read a lot of articles lately about habits and routines. one was titled something like, 5 ways to be happy. I've been thinking about it and started to notice the things I do everyday that bring me joy, some are deliberate, some I just realized I do, none of them are a big deal, which, is why, I guess I can accomplish them each day, but, these little things make a big difference to me and I wanted to record them!

(no particular order here...)
Get up early! I've always loved getting up early, I feel like I'm a bit opposite of most people, if I sleep in I'm grumpy! I just love the feeling of sneaking extra time out of the day! And since my kids are up by 6am, it isn't hard to :)

Do a project! some projects are big, like go through all the storage...some are small, get groceries., or take someone a treat, either way, I like to accomplish something tangible.

Quiet time. Praying and studying the scriptures is the most vital part of my day. there is nothing that has greater power over my mood and outlook. I need this time. some days it's 5 minutes, other days it's an hour. but it has to be there.
I also love the quiet time with my children, I try to find time to be alone with each of them throughout the day, just to hold them, and kiss them, and soak them in. those are such sweet moments. I spend my days with 3 perfect little people.

Sweat! My favorite is running... Go outside, say hi and smile to everyone you pass, and tell me you're not in a better mood! getting outside, being able to get lost in my own thoughts is like therapy. Running is when I have the time to think, problem solve and I always get my best ideas while running!

Make the beds! it takes me less than 3 minutes to make the beds (I've timed it) and even if the rest if the house is a disaster, seeing a clean bed keeps me calm.

 Time with Brock. when we were first married we made a promise to have alone time everyday, with 3 children and dental school things are sometimes tricky. Usually our time is after the children are asleep before he starts studying, or else I wait up for him to come home. These times together are a must for me, us, and our family. we can talk about how things are going, our struggles, what's on our mind. it keeps us connected and grounded during all the craziness!

My "British accent" I've always loved talking with a British accent...you can't tell me you don't?? Well, I've discovered my children think it's hilarious! I bust it out when things are getting stressful and they get so busy laughing they forget what they were fighting/crying about. try it!

Call/text/email a family member. I try to keep in close contact with our families, even just a short texting conversation helps me feel connected and reminds me how loved I am. I hope it does the same for them!

Record! do you keep a gratitude journal? Each night I write down things I'm grateful for. when I feel too tired I try to just think of a word that sums up how I was feeling that day about gratitude, I have words like, peace, tears, light...and some nights it's a few pages. no matter how little or how much ive written I fall asleep feeling overwhelmed thinking about my blessings, this helps me see past the bad, the challenges and struggles and remember to just trust and have faith.

there is more...I didn't include the obvious things, like eating, sleeping...putting on deodarant, but I think those things are at the top of my list of things i do! what do you do each day that makes you happy? I'd love to know!...

sweet sweet summer

our summer break has come to an end. it has been heavenly! we've spent the time with our family, at cabins and lakes, swimming, biking, playing, golfing, boating, hiking and all other summery goodness! i love being outside and after an especially harsh winter, spending the whole day outdoors feels, so SO good! it's been wonderful watching our children play the day away with their cousins and grandparents. Our days were filled with little adventures with our three little people. we didn't make any big plans, or go far, but it was perfect. This quote came to my mind many times over the summer, as I watched trey and claire make sand castles, brigham playing in the grass, and watching Brock fish until sunset...
"all things great are wound up with all things little."
I feel like that sums up our summer, really, our life right now; many little things that are adding up to be the biggest adventure of all.

my girl

claire is adventurous, she always has been, but watching her explore this summer has made me realize how grown up she is becoming! she's fiesty, determined, and independent, but also, soft, thoughtful and caring. she loves her brothers, and daddy and mom. she's the best at cuddling. she loves to sing songs, and run and jump, but she'll sit on your lap forever and read books. she's brave and smart  and fun. so many traits in such a tiny girl, i wouldn't change a thing.
little claire lawnee

go team!

people often say to me, especially since having brigham, "how do YOU do it all?" and, the truth is i don't! I have an amazing husband, partner in crime, baby daddy, best friend, right beside me! we say quite often to each other, "we have three kids..." then we usually start laughing! i think we forget that most people's first 5 years of marriage doesn't include 7 moves, 3 children, and dental school, and it takes a trip to Costco, with 2 full carts and 3 crying children , to remind us we're  not 'the norm'...

a week after we were married we sat down and made some goal lists; 5 year, 10 year, and life long. we made plans in how we would accomplish them and set out on this crazy adventure! fast forward to  a month ago, i was packing things to come to alberta, when i pulled them out of my nightstand, everything on the 5 year list was done! i was shocked, not to say i didn't think we could do it, but it felt like we had just written it, and here we are, already done! i thought back on on the work we had put into those goals, and i know, there is no way either of us could have done them on our own. our life together has been wonderful, and crazy, and busy, but in the hardest of times we have grown closer, and looking at that list i realized that more than ever. brock is the perfect support to me, and when life is stressing us out we turn to each other for the extra love we need, and i am learning from him how to show unwavering patience. brock doesn't like when i tell him he's perfect, but there are 3 people in our family who i know agree with me, i have never seen this guy mad. ever! I'm still waiting for him to raise his voice, or something...ha! he is so quick to see the big picture and forgives so freely. he's a kid at heart and makes us all laugh, then he buckles down and works long and hard for us all. he has made me a better person.

thank you brock for always making me feel so loved, for making me smile. thank you for bringing the babies in to me in the middle of the night when they need to be fed, and for putting toothpaste on my toothbrush. thank you for crying with me, and for cheering me on. thank you for being my team mate.

my baby boy and me

It's 3 AM, they're all asleep,
And no one's here to see.
As we rock slowly back and forth,
My baby boy and me.

His little hand is featherlight
Tucked up against my chin.
I hold his tiny hand in mine,
And stroke his baby skin.

The house about us creaks and groans,
The clock hand's creep around.
He snuggles closer to me still,
And makes his baby sounds.

I love these quiet hours so much,
And cherish every one.
Store memories inside my heart
For lonely nights to come.

All too soon he'll be grown up,
His need for mama gone.
But until then I still have time
For kisses and song.

Time for quiet hours like this
With him cuddled in my arms.
Where I wish he'd always stay,
Protected, safe and warm.

And yet I know the day will come
When his tiny little hand,
Will be bigger than my own.
He'll grow into man.

But until then he's mine to love
With no one here to see.
As we rock slowly back and forth,
My baby boy and me.

...Author unknown

walking weekend

This year the "relay for life" and "muscular dystrophy walk" fell on the same weekend. two events that mean a lot to us and our families.

we were on "team brynn" for "relay for life", i went with my mom and aunts to set up the tent and our little site. my mom put so much work into the decorations, we tried to make it "brynn approved" and i know she loved it! the walk started at 7pm and ended at 7am, brock and the kids stayed until about 9:30, then I stayed with brigham through the night. it was fun to be with my family, cousins, aunts and uncles, we all love each other so much, it is so comforting. But, like every family gathering, and obviously this event especially, brynn's presence is so missed, and longed for. it is so hard to believe she has been away from us for 8 months already, i can hear so clearly her sweet, soft voice. i'll admit, the thought of walking around an outdoor track at 3am didn't sound totally appealing, but i wanted to be there, if for no other reason than to give myself quiet time to reflect on brynn's life and example to me. i was happy i could support the lund family, i love them so much, and it stings my heart to watch them miss her. i would walk around a track all night, every night, for all of them.

i got to my parents house just after 7am, crashed for about and hour then got ready to head to the "walk for muscular dystrophy" for this walk we are on team "DLC" Doug (brock's grandpa) Lawnee (brock's angel mother) Chelsie (brock's sister, who is now living with muscular dystrophy) I am always amazed at HOW MANY people are there to show support, from both sides of brocks family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, 2nd cousins, friends...so many people showing love, it's wonderful! watching the whole big group doing the warm up together i can just imagine lawnee's smile seeing her growing family laughing together. i think about her everyday, and i know brock misses her friendship and phone calls, but we know she is watching us each day. there have been moments when each of our babies were born that both brock, and i, have felt her love for them and for us. our children love looking at the pictures of their grandma in heaven. i feel so blessed to be a part of the amazing steed and wilde families!

it was a busy, exhausting(!) weekend, but, it was wonderful!

little girl

my little claire, you are two! where has the time gone? i remember the day you were born like it was yesterday, we barely made it to the hospital, then there you were, wide eyed and beautiful, taking in the world and staring into our eyes. i was so excited and humbled to have a daughter! it has been so wonderful watching you grow and learn and change from that little newborn into the sweet and spunky little girl you are today. you have so many talents that are already evident; you are caring, always looking after your brothers and so aware of everyone's feelings, quick to give a hug and a kiss if someone is sad. you are silly and, make us all laugh, especially trey! you are musical, i love to sing songs with you and watch you dance and twirl. you are smart, you always figure out a way to solve your problems and you are determined to keep up with trey! you can count to 11 and (kind of) sing the alphabet. you are brave. it amazes us the things you do and are willing to try! you are strong willed, right now this may cause some tantrums...but i'm listing it as a talent because I know as you grow you will be able to stand up for what's right. i love the feeling of your soft, tiny fingers playing with my hair and eyelashes. you love to wear dresses and high heels, and treys power ranger mask, you like to do whatever trey is doing, and you love your baby and your blankies. every night i sneak in and look at you fast asleep, i look at your beautiful little face, so still and peaceful, you're still so little, but it scares me how fast you are growing and how much you are learning and doing! i wish so badly i could freeze time so i could soak it all in for longer! last night as i was looking at you, your long legs sprawled out in your big girl bed, with your soft hair falling over your eyes, thoughts just started flooding in, so many things I want you to know and learn. watching you and seeing your determination, your abilities, your quirks and your total confidence, makes me so happy! i wish i could bottle up your innocence and silliness and save it forever! you make me so much better, because i am trying so hard to be the kind of woman you can follow and be proud of! there are so many things i want to share with you, lessons I have learned, and i know will always be true, whether you are 2 or 102!

*hard work is a blessing! there's going to be times when i force you to weed the garden, clean bathrooms, get a summer job, and do a neighbours yard work. maybe you'll love it, maybe you won't. but i promise one day you will thank me. working hard is one of the greatest things we can do. it's amazing to be able to complete a task and accomplish hard things, whether its physical labour or academic discipline, getting in there and "getting your hands dirty" is awesome! set goals- then work hard to achieve them! Hard work is never wasted.

*more is not better! there is so much STUFF out there! it is so easy to become obsessed with getting more, making more, doing more! but that's the problem- there is always more. i promise you you will find happiness and contentment when you look at all the blessing you HAVE!

*your body is a gift! it doesn't matter the shape or size, or even physical capabilities, your body is the body God gave to you. don't worry about the numbers, show your body you love it by taking care of it. eat fruits and vegetables, and some chocolate. go for a walk or run to explore, not to burn calories! say kind things about yourself and about others. we all look different, and that's a wonderful thing! don't waste time comparing, spend your time living!

*laugh! and do it everyday! laughing feels so good, if you're like me, your eyes will water and your cheeks will hurt- it's a great feeling. be with people who make you laugh- your dad and i laugh a lot, i think marrying someone who makes you laugh should be high on your priority list. no matter the challenges, if you and your spouse can find something to smile about, things will always be alright. and don't forget to laugh at yourself! sometimes, often times, little things just don't quite go as planned, just laugh!

*be brave to be you! it sounds chilche, but you are the only you! when you realize this, you will be happier! you weren't meant to look, or be like anyone but yourself! that means you have the freedom to discover things for yourself, have your own opinion, and do something even if no one else is.

*disappointment and heartache happen. i don't mean to sound pessimistic, but sad things will happen, but through these experiences we learn more about ourselves, our strengths and our potential. through hardships we learn how to help others, and we learn we are never truly alone. I will always be there, and The Lord will always and constantly be there. my heart aches at the thought of your heart aching, but i know if we rely on the Saviour, we will find peace.

*being sensitive and tender and kind does not mean you are weak. showing patience and love to your family and to strangers is the truest sign of humility and respect. always remember you don't know the whole story and your smile and kind words, sometimes are the only ones a person may receive. try to be a light for others to see and follow.  be a friend to the person who is alone. remember there is no greater gift you can give than your time and care.

*find things you love, and do them! i hope you always have the courage to try new things and make time for things that make you happy! i am a strong believer in working hard and playing hard! read books, take an art class, go snowbarding, play an instrument- try it all!

* know that being a mother is the greatest work. it's hard to put into words the feelings of being a mother. i feel as though you, and your brothers are pieces of me, of my heart, that now are outside my body. it's terrifiying and overwhelming to love so much. it's you more than you could ever imagine, until hopefully one day, you become a mother. i have never felt closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior than i have in carrying my children, and raising them. i know you are a percious gift, that you have inherent gift and qualities that i am to help you cultivate and grow, and watching you is truly amazing. being a mother is demanding, there are no breaks or days off and there is no one standing there praising you after you wiped the floor, or a poopy bum for the 100th time that day, but i hope you know, and i can show you, that there is absolutely nothing else i would rather be doing. i feel a sense of wholeness in being a mother, that i am who i want to be. i have a mother who made motherhood seem magical, i couldn't wait until it was my turn, i hope i can be that same example of joy in woman and motherhood for you.

* and finally, all encompassing, and most importnantly- love the Lord. it is a simple statement, but means everything. it means peace, safety, joy, courage, power and hope. the foundation of your identity is that you are a daughter of God, nothing else can give true self esteem or purpose. the world- quite frankly- is a pretty big mess, there is so much, too much, out there that will try to tell you what's important and what is right, but the only way to know is to listen to the spirit. the spirit brings comfort and guidance, we are reminded of the things that are of eternal value; covenants and faith and family. study the scriptures, they are a sacred and vital gift, and the source of truth. follow the cousel of prophets and apostltes. always remember there is a plan for you, that you, and everyone, is a child of God. rely on the atonement, the Savior knows and understands perfectly, He sees your limitless potential. you are never alone, and never forgotten.

i love you sweet girl
xo
mom

this view

this view means i am sitting down, on my couch, for the first time today. it's not even 7:30 and all three children are asleep in their beds, and i'm just sitting here watching the sun pour in the window, and i literally just let out a sigh just typing those words.

today, like a lot of days lately, was crazy. constant feeding, cleaning, wiping, hugging, holding, rocking, driving, cooking, singing, playing; the list goes on. the days pass by so quickly it scares me. it scares me that i'm not doing enough, or more like, i'm not enough. i've recently had an epiphany- what i do is hard, pretty boring epiphany i know, but let me explain. 

people all around me are going through hard things, things that break my heart, and i think, "woah, that is hard!" so when i'm feeling stressed, anxious, and worn out, i feel guilty because i think I should be able to handle this, i'm not having to endure ________. i have a happy family, 3 beautiful children a hard working husband and a safe home with a full pantry. but sometimes when the husband is gone all the time studying and working harder than ever, the baby is hungry, dinner is burning, and the 2 year old is screaming for juice while the 3 year old whacks you in the back with a plastic sword, i feel like maybe my life can be hard too. so letting myself feel like that is okay without feeling guilty is a big deal to me. instead of beating myself up, i've learned instead to slow down, breathe and find a stillness inside myself that hopefully can translate into the environment around me. someone recently asked me how having my third baby was, and the first word that came to me was, "refining." there is not a single moment, no matter how crazy, i would change anything about our lives. we are learning and growing and leaning on each other. my children are moulding me into something much better than i have ever thought i could be, and i only hope they can learn something from me along the way too.

late night (random) thoughts

• we've made it through another semester, Brock is in his last week of classes, and will finish exams on may 17! he's worked so hard this year. i'm cinstantly in awe at all he is able to accomplish! it's kind of crazy to think he only has 3 years left! if someone would have told me that we were going to live in saskatoon for 7 years i'm not sure i would have been too happy, but it's won us over and i'm already sad thinking about leaving...but that's a different post for another time!

• a deck is being built in our backyard! we can't wait to enjoy the warm summer nights out there! (so hurry up weather, and get warm!)

• we will soon have a 2 year old again, Claire's birthday is next week! we love this fiesty little girl a whole bunch- she keeps us entertained, in both good and bad ways...ha!

• Brigham is 3 months old, and still our little angel baby. he's sleeping 7:30pm-7:30am straight through, and wakes up and starts sucking his thumb. it's actually pretty ridiculous how content and amazing he is, which just makes me want to kiss his chubby cheeks until they fall off, and have a dozen more babies! he's cooing and laughing, and trey and claire love to 'play' with him, he's usually buried in blankets and toys.

• i'm starting to plan out our summer and we want to do a (maybe a couple?) little road trips! anyone have any fun places we should try? I was thinking maybe kelowna, or possibly Spokane? we would probably max out around 10 hours in the car, so close...but not too close :)

• trey is such a big boy! him going into primary this year, and totally loving it, not needing us, even in other wards(!), has really made it hit home that he his growing up! it's awesome to see him learning so much, and loving meeting new friends and trying different thing...but also makes me cry! i love to lay by him at night and talk about all the thoughts in his little head, my sweet baby is a little man. but he'll still fall asleep in my arms, so it's okay, for now.

• we're entering the season where these two need a nightly hose down. grass in hair, dirt under fingernails, mud on toes. we've been waiting for these days all winter!

friday night date

by the time friday rolls around, we are all ready to spend some time with our daddy! I'd been telling trey and claire that when daddy was home from school we were going to the ice cream grocery store, a.k.a. Costco! we needed groceries and they needed out of the house, so we were all excited for an outing!
well, brock's class went long, it was snowy and cold again, so we had to get all bundled, claire was crying because we forgot her blanket, and trey fell asleep on the way there. once we were all in the store, i just wanted to go back home. we got our groceries and i was ready to abandon my promise of ice cream, but decided to try and salvage the trip. as we were sitting there with our treats a man came up to us and said "got the whole ball team out tonight?" i said, "yep. friday night date!" he smiled at trey and claire and then brigham and said, "oh, those sure are special times." his voice was full of so much emotion and sincerity, i looked at my little family and felt my heart swell. i was so grateful to this man, he made me re-evaluate the "scene" i felt we were creating. i didn't care anymore that trey and claire were covered in ice cream, or how loud they were being. they were having fun, and we decided to just sit back and love the fact that we all got to be together.

sometimes i get too concerned with "trying" to create memories, i forget that everyday and every moment can be filled with love, and that is really the memory i want my children to have! i am so glad i get to be at home with them during these years when they are so young, there is nowhere else i would rather be. there is nothing more important to me and nothing more worthy of my time and dedication, being a mother is my true passion.

dear brigs

my sweet brigs,
you are a squishy ball of heaven. your soft little cheeks and warm fuzzy head make everything okay, and your big eyes and toothless grin make my day. you are so content to lay in your chair and watch the commotion of our crazy home. you love to smile at your brother and sister, i think you know how loved you are! you love when I rock you to sleep, i love it too, but I can swaddle you up when you're tired, lay you in your bed, change the laundry and come back to find you fast asleep. you look so sweet and peaceful, I have to stop myself from picking you up and waking you. you love to "goo" and "coo" now, and we are so excited to hear your little voice! I just cannot get enough of you- try to stay little forever!

just a few things

i went out a few nights ago, to get groceries and some supplies for the week. while i was unloading my cart at the checkout, it made me smile. a few of my purchases probably seem random to the cashier, but there are certain 'essentials' in this house:
-a jug of every kind of milk. lactose free for Brock, 3% for claire and trey, 1% for me. Brighams milk is still free :)
-glow sticks, these are my lifesaver when things get out if control! trey and claire love to play in the bathroom with them.
-stickers, thousands of them! we can never have too many around here!
-every flavour of jello. my kids think I'm awesome when we "cook" jello together.
-Spider-Man, AND Cinderella bubble bath. trey and claire have to have some of each to bath together. High maintenance? Yes. you have to pick your battles though.

looking at my cart also made me smile because I was alone in the grocery store. blissful.

#3

I was 9 days overdue with Brigham. I've been overdue each time, so I was fully prepared to be, but nothing makes that waiting game any easier. By the one week mark i was completely exhausted, physically and emotionally. Where was my baby?! Was something wrong? I had a doctors appointment on the 9th, and i was a mess! I was worried because I barely made it into a delivery room with claire, that I would progress even faster this time and not make it at all! I was already 3cm dilated, my doctor told me to head to the hospital as soon as contractions started, and assured me I would have my baby that weekend, she said, "see you tomorrow!" So I went home, showered and packed my bag and, cleaned the house for the 100th time that week.

At about 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that I was having contractions, and realized i was actually having real contractions! I laid there timing them, 3-5 minutes apart, and after about 30 minutes it was too uncomfortable to be lying down, so I woke Brock up, he called my sister and when she got to our house we headed to the hospital! driving there i kept saying to Brock, "I can't believe I'm doing this again!" Each time, we've been driving to the hospital in the middle of the night, there is something calming to me about going in the dark and being the only car on the road, it's such a special moment, I like the feeling that we're the only ones awake. getting to the hospital was a complete deja vu feeling, brock holding me as we made our way down the quiet hall to labour and delivery, just like the times before. I ended up with the same nurse with trey and claire, and there she was again, I started bawling when I saw her, such a tender mercy, i knew things would be fine. I was 5cm when they first checked me, and was progressing quickly enough that I didn't feel like we were waiting around, but I still felt in control, unlike claire- that was a race! Brock was, once again, an amazing support to me. There is no doubt that I would not be able to do it all without him. he never leaves my side and knows what I need without me needing to say anything, or even open my eyes.

We'd been at the hospital for about 4 hours and I was in transition. i could feel we would finally be seeing who was in there soon- a feeling i have come to know well, that makes me so excited, and also so terrified. With trey and claire I started pushing right after my water broke, and that was the only thing holding me back this time too. They broke my water and I went into my zone, I just kept thinking it was crazy i was doing it for a 3rd time, that i actually could do it a 3rd time! It was so surreal. I kept thinking of all the people in heaven i love so much, who i knew were sending this baby to us. I was so ready to finally find out if it was a boy or girl! I pushed twice and 'it's' head was out, with trey and claire it was just one more big push and they were out, so obviously I was expecting the same, so I pushed, and kept pushing, and pushing...at this point Brock says i went into angry mode, and may have yelled, "get it out!" I did not understand why it was taking so much longer than I expected, why was it getting MORE intense AFTER the head?! I did know the end was so close and I wasn't going to stop until I got there! 14 minutes of pushing, they placed my baby on me and said, it's a boy! i saw his little face and it was pure love! HE was finally born, january 10, at 8:19am, and they told me he was a big boy, with big shoulders! At that point though, it didn't matter! It was all worth it, just like I knew it would be!

I love that rush of pure relief and joy! We were crying and laughing, we couldn't believe it- we had another son! those first moments of meeting your baby are so amazing!  I've loved each baby from the moment we knew they were coming, and finally getting to hold and kiss this tiny person you already love so much is the most perfect and overwhelming feeling I have experienced. when the doctor and nurses left, we just sat there admiring our new baby boy, examining his little fingers and toes, and the crinkle in his ear, it was all perfect. I felt filled with love that I didn't know I had room for! It has amazed me after each of our babies have been born how immediately my heart has grown. I know that doesn't physically happen, but how else do you describe it? I loved this new baby so much, I loved watching trey and claire meet him and love him immediately too, and seeing our new family made me love Brock even more! 

Everyday I feel the importance and reverence of my role as a wife and mother. nothing makes me feel more fulfilled or loved.

I am blessed.

babies

i love having a little baby again. there is something so heavenly about rocking little brigham to sleep, or just staring into his sweet face looking up at me. i love the feeling of him in my arms, and the feeling of his perfectly soft skin. I have decided that babies are just purely magic, and i want 100, okay maybe 10...maybe 6? most people think we're crazy for already having 3, so who cares right?! :)

baby #3 has held fewer surprises in the nursing, changing, and sleeping department, #1 and #2 helped with that, but the level of awe and amazement at a new, tiny, perfect person has been the same every time. and then another level of amazement that my body has held, and created, and given birth to 3 different babies. i am truly overwhelmed each day with gratitude when i look at them.

i love being a mother. it stretches me more than anything else, and teaches me things i didn't know i didn't know. becoming a mother has given me new eyes, and a bigger heart. i see everything differently than before, and love everyone more. i am more laid back, but never more sure of who i am, what i know, and what is important. i cry and laugh everyday, sometimes at the same time.
being a mother is demanding, and rewarding, and scary, and wonderful.
yep- i love it all!

bedtime prayer

one of the absolute highlights of my day is listening to treys bedtime prayer.
when we say family prayers and blessings on the food there's more around to disract him,aka claire, and so we usually have to help him a little bit, when it's just him and he's kneeling at his bed he goes on and on, and i just listen to what's going through his little mind, it is so sweet.
tonight i was trying to hold in my laughter and hold back the tears. there is just nothing more special than a little boy telling heavenly father about his day.
he only said amen about 5 minutes ago, i wanted to remember exactly what he said!

...i'm grateful clairey can go to school with me
i'm grateful Daddy can go to dentist school
i'm grateful Mommy can be great
i'm grateful Daddy can be cool
i'm grateful Daddy reads a book with me
i'm grateful Mommy does fun stuff with me
i'm grateful Mommy and Daddy go to the potty
i'm grateful for broccoli
i'm grateful For all the stuff...

oh trey, i love you so much!

the merge

not knowing if brigham was going to be a boy or girl stopped me from setting up a nursery. i knew we would put trey and claire in the same room once the baby was big enough for his or her own room, so over the last 9 months i've been collecting...hoarding...things for what i've been calling 'the merge'. this weekend i finally emptied out the closet and got it all set up! and i think brock's happy it's done, i seemed to find something we 'needed' for their rooms everywhere we went, for some reason he doesn't think that's a talent :)