It's 5am

brigham has 6 little teeth pushing through his gums, he's sad and hurting, and hasn't slept more than an hour straight for the past 48 hours. it's heartbreaking to watch him and we've tried all the tricks and he's just miserable. i just got him settled after rocking, bouncing and nursing (getting bit!) for 3 hours and just as I was about to tip toe back to my bed, claire woke up- wide awake, asking for yogurt. 

most days are like this. 

trey and claire did great with sleep training and were sleeping 12 hours through the night by 8 weeks. i haven't done a thing different with brigham, and I think he's slept through the night maybe 10 times in his 10 months. is it hard to be tired all the time? Yes. but I also have cherished all those quiet moments holding my baby in the stillness of the night, it's different with the third baby, there is not enough time to snuggle in the day, so I guess we make up for it at night.

shortly after trey was born I heard someone say that their, "third baby brought them to their knees." I thought it was an interesting statement, and I didn't totally understand, but I do now. when I had one baby I thought I was so busy- and I was, adjusting to taking care of a tiny human 24/7 is hard. even though I loved it all, I wasn't the one in charge anymore, and that's a big change...oh, you wanted to go into that store? well your baby just had a blowout and it's everywhere, so you're going home now... Those kinds of things...I would nap sometimes when he did, or read, or exercise, or just sit and be alone.

A week after claire was born I thought I'd never leave the house again. 2?! I had 2 babies that needed me and I was just 1 person! it took a while to get a good routine going and when the stars aligned and they were both napping I once again had that time for me. 

4 days after Brigham was born I had a realization, I hadn't napped, not only that, but I had not slept. At all. there was no more, sleep when they sleep. it didn't matter how little sleep I got during the night, a new day was here, Brock was at school 12 hours a day, and I had 2 toddlers who were ready to go. Trey was done with naps, and claire stopped shortly after, and here we are 10 months later and I am feeling how I did when trey and claire were 2 months old. 

having 1 child is busy, having 2 children was busy, but something about 3 is just different. It really has brought me to my knees. I have never offered more daily prayers in my life since becoming a mother of 3. I feel like it's actually been just one big, continous prayer. I can't do it alone- any of it. when you haven't had decent sleep in days, your house is a disaster, your toddlers are fighting, supper's burning, and your baby just woke up and is ready to nurse, what do you do? You pray. you pray that the lessons of kindness and love you teach are in your children's head somewhere. you pray dinner's not ruined because you really wanted to surprise your husband. You pray to be calm and remember what's most important. you pray to know how to best guide and teach each child. you pray because you've realized you really don't know that much. you pray over parking spots and lost blankies, about bathrooms; oh, pleeeease let us make it in time. you pray for just one more ounce of energy. you pray because in prayer you can at least talk to someone who you know will listen and who loves you- that's most important. He loves me and I need my children to feel that love.

the amazing thing is that I wouldn't change a thing. even in the most exhausted, crazy moment, I wouldn't want it any differently. Truly. Motherhood is incredible. How can people so tiny teach me so much? I feel like I don't even know who I was before I was a wife and mother. it's draining, refining and the greatest self evaluation there is. I feel confident in being a mother because I know I'm not alone, it's not just me. through prayer I am blessed and made more than just me. I'm more patient and understanding, I have more compassion and even more energy, so that when it's 5 in the morning I can start the day with a smile :)

just in case you don't know what 2 days of no sleep looks like ;)