for my future self

I've been reading though my blog posts and now I'm sitting here in tears! What's the saying, "we write to experience life twice..." Something like that- don't quote me, I'm tired! I am SO grateful I've kept this blog! So many things would be forgotten without it, and even though I've been majorly slacking in it, I refuse to give it up! Now to just find a few, or ten, extra hours in the day to get everything in! 

Well that's a pretty good Segway into life right now...hint- it's crazy!

1 student husband, 4 adorable (and loud) children, 3 days a week kindergarten and preschool, 1 dad in the bishopric, one mom in the primary presidency, 2 kids in swimming, 1 little ballerina, and everything in between, equals...I don't know what, but I'm tired! ha!

I feel like lately my mind is in a million places at once, and I have so many thoughts and so much to say that I just can't find any words to even begin! Anyone else feel that way? My heart is just so full with the love I feel for our little family- our children are growing up, and it's making me much too sad/proud/worried/excited/anxious...and trey's not even 6 yet! I swear that boy just gets more sweet and kind everyday! His tender little heart is so giving and responsible, he was definetly meant to be the big brother! Claire is just a little whirlwind- seriously she never stops running, skipping, spinning...she runs into doors and walls and people daily! she takes care of us all and is always busy doing something...good or bad is debatable.. Our little (okay, huge) brigs has gotten SO grown up these past few months, he's talking our ears off, and is so hilarious! He thinks he's 5...maybe because that's the size of shirt he's wearing! Sweet little penny is just that, SO sweet! I'm just amazed at her easy going, content nature. she calms and comforts me much more than I do her, I'm sure of it!

People always ask how 4 kids is going...and my first thought is wonderful- except I've lost my mind! Haha! I am so busy all day (and most nights) that I feel like I don't really get a chance to think my own thoughts! 

Life is happening and I am learning so much that it's hard to keep up- these little people puuuush me to my limits, and until I step back and really think about it I don't realize how much they have changed me! I am not the same person I was before I became "momma". They have changed me in countless ways, all for the better!

I heard a really great quote the other week, "don't prioritize your schedule; schedule your priorities!" I've been really trying to do that- I've always loved planning and I have to have some sort of plan heading into the day, and that line is exactly how I need to go about it- there will never be enough time to do "it all" but I can always make time for the most important! And with time flying like it is I realize even more how vital it is I instill what the important things are in my children each day!

Penny Lucille

good old blogger, it's been quite a while! my posts have become few...and very far between but i refuse to give you up all together! I love reading back on posts, and (one day printing) blog books, so don't worry I am still here!

quite a few things have changed since my last post! first, and most importantly, Miss Penny Lucille Wilde was born on July 10th! Here's a little "before and after"...only 55 hours in between...

I feel like I should really start her "birth story" about a month before she was born! Because I had a miscarriage last fall, I had now been pregnant for over a year, and this pregnancy had been so much physically harder than my previous ones. Way more sick, for so much longer, and once the sickness let up a bit, my pelvic girdle pain came back much stronger than before too, and way earlier! The last few weeks before she was born you could find me crawling around the house attempting to be productive and trying to take care of my children, i felt terrible! Terrible that I was in so much pain, and terrible that i couldn't be the mother my children were used to! They were, and are, so amazing and helping me and letting me rest! 

I had two different due dates, July 10th and July 19th, the kids and I headed to my doctors appointment on July 5th, and as soon as my doctor came in the room I started crying, I felt so scared and nervous and I honestly didn't know if I could make it to either due date. My amazing doctor asked me if I wanted to be induced, and i started crying harder! I felt so guilty! I felt like if I stayed pregnant to let this baby come when it wanted to it would be at the sacrifice of my other children, and if I got induced so i could walk again and take care of my family, it would be at the sacrifice of my unborn baby. I told her all of this, and she explained all my different options to me, and leaving her office I was scheduled for an induction on friday, July 8th. I called Brock and my mom, and tried to calm down, while I made a huge list of everything that HAD to be done in the next two days. Thankfully brock is the most amazing husband and was so patient, like he always is, and helped me (which means he did it all) get everything on my list checked off. Friday morning came and the hospital called and asked if I could be there at 9:30, one hours notice! I scrambled to get us all ready and pack a bag, i was shaking and trying not to cry (too hard) while my sweet trey said he would make all the beds while claire helped brigham get his shoes on. I dropped them off at a friends house, who was willing to watch them all day! amazing! my mom was on her way and I drove, and prayed, to the hospital and met brock. it was really strange, never being induced before, it was so surreal knowing we were at the beginning of our baby's arrival! At this point I was so terrified,  I was scared of not getting an epidural again, scared if I was doing the right thing, and feeling guilty that i was so scared and not really excited! I'm sure that my chart said "emotional wreck" because I just cried to every nurse/doctor i saw! 

we waited, and waited, and I finally got a cervidil placed at about 2:30, and then we waited some more! We joke that that day was our last date before penny was born, i wasn't having any contractions, so we just got to sit and (try to) walk and talk all day while I was monitored. I wasn't dilated at all at 7pm, so I decided to go home and sleep. I woke up saturday morning with some twinges, and by 10am contractions were coming about every 5 minutes, but not very strong, so we decided to all go to a movie! by then end of the movie they were stronger, and it was time to go get another cervidil, so my mom and abby took the kids home and brock and I headed back to the hospital. they checked me, still nothing, and put another cervidil in and we waited some more, not so much visiting this time though, my contractions were getting harder and still every 5 minutes all day long, but again around 7pm, still hardly dilated, so we decided to go home again. By this point I was feeling very defeated, tired, and yes, emotional. we got home and I prepared for the loooong night ahead. By 10am Sunday morning the contractions were very very strong, it was pain I had never experienced in my previous deliveries because of all the added pressure on my pelvis, and it was unbearable. I was praying so hard for the pain to end. We got back to the hospital and I was still barely dilated, I was a wreck, I felt like I couldn't do this for another day, or more?! I laid in assessment, while brock did everything he could to try and help me. I normally like to move around during contractions, but considering how much pain i had already been in trying to move it wasn't an option this time around. I felt so trapped and just needed a break from the pain! The doctor came in around 2pm and i was 2cm, yay! finally some progress! She ordered the epidural and the nurse came in to take us the delivery room, and she also informed us the anesthesiologist would be about 1-2 hours, I looked up at brock, and i think I saw just as much disappointment in his eyes, he wanted an epidural for me this time just as bad as I did. We got into the room and I tried to get comfortable. my nurse was so amazing, definitely an answer to my prayers, she has been a delivery nurse for 35 years, and she was a miracle worker- tucking towels and blankets under me and putting cold wash cloths on my face and arms, braiding my hair... she was hustling around the room and when she was done i finally felt some relief- and it was amazing! after about 40mins in the delivery room my nurse told me the epidural was on the way and so she and brock helped me get up to try and use the bathroom, and as soon as they stood me up I felt the pressure, I didn't tell anyone because I wanted that epidural SO badly, but a few steps later my water broke. I looked at brock and just started saying, "no, no, no, no..." I knew this was it, and that it would just be all on my own again. They carried me back to the bed and sure enough the baby was right there. I remember thinking, I had made it to the end. I had been praying for the end to come, thinking it would be in the form of an epidural because of how slowly i had been dilating, but I just dilated from 2cm to 10cm in less than an hour, so this was the REAL end.  I pushed, and SHE was born in less than a minute! The doctor announced it was a girl, and brock and I looked at each other so surprised, we had both been thinking it was probably a boy! And now, FINALLY, my tears were happy ones, and it was all done! Nothing in the world can describe that amazing feeling of relief and joy and pure love! the pain was gone, and I felt amazing!  

 

She came out healthy, crying, and with a double chin already! i couldn't (and still can't) believe I had given birth naturally for the 4th time- proof that things don't always go as planned! But even though there was no epidural, I felt like everything went the way it should, my prayers were answered, and I can't help but think of all the people we love in heaven who I know were there, and sending little penny to us. we are so grateful you are here.

and here we are...

I've been pretty M.I.A. on here, but that's how I've been in everything the last little while, so I don't feel that bad about it... :) the reason is because I haven't done much more than lay on our couch, and bathroom floor for the past few months, but its all for a good reason! we have some really exciting news...

we are so happy to be expecting a baby! he or she (we've seen it, and there is only one) is due to arrive in July! it is so fun seeing how excited Trey and Claire are! they were still pretty little when Brigham was born, so it's been a new experience for all of us to have them asking questions and planning for the new baby!

I've had a lot of emotions as we have starting telling people I'm pregnant, excitement and joy obviously, but back in September I had a miscarriage, no one knew I had been pregnant and I didn't want to tell anyone about my miscarriage. I don't know all the reasons why, I just knew I didn't want to. 

But, being pregnant now I have felt like I'm only sharing half the story if I don't share that I had a miscarriage. it's hard to put it all in words, but I know so many women know, and like in all aspects of life, we experience greater joy when we have experienced sorrow, it makes us who we are.

so, here we are, new year, new challenges, and new hope! 

we can't wait to meet you baby!

bedtime

i think most parents would agree that bedtime is a loaded word. if you have a baby bedtime isn't even a real thing, it's the time that the rest of the world falls asleep while you contine feeding/soothing every 3...or 1, (or less) hours. with toddlers bedtime can be a battle field, the negotiations and demands, why won't they stay in their beds?..so. much. mental. energy. 
the stage that we are in right now with bedtime is unknown to us. trey and claire are (mostly) staying in their beds for a full 12 hours, and brigs is also sleeping through the night (cue the chorus of angels)!! 
because of the spacing of our children we...lets be honest, I, didn't get many uniterrupted nights for almost 5 years. bedtime wasn't really atime for me to go sleep in my bed...so it feel a bit strange to say, but it has become one of my favorite parts of the day! we start "the process" around 6:30, they get pj's on and go the the bathroom and brush teeth, then they each pick out a book (which has evolved into them wrapping it up in their blankies for me to open) we read scriptures and say prayers and then read the stories they picked out. then we all kiss and hug brigs and he goes to bed, I take him to his room and he points to the chair and says "baby cry" which means he wants me to sing the song "baby mine". after the song i get another kiss and lay him down. then i go back into trey and claire's room and take turns laying by them and asking them about their day...and this is the time i just wish i could bottle up and keep forever! they tell me the sweetest things, things that made them happy and sad that day, and things they are worried about. then they usually have a few song requests and i will sing to them until they are alseep. so many times i've left their bedroom with tears becuase i  know i might have missed out on those precious conversations if i had been rushing.

i don't see it as just "hurry and get them sleeping as fast as possible" i have learned to treasure this time when my children and i can unwind and reflect on the day together. there is usually a few apologies, mostly from me, and i just try to soak up their littleness and innocence as I rock them and sing to them and as they talk to me about their day. no matter what kind of crazy day we have had, my heart is happy when i know they are falling asleep knowing how special they are to me, and feeling safe and loved.    

taking a shower

so today while I was (trying) to take a shower my children were extra "energetic". 

there's a lot of things that come out of your mouth as a parent that you would have never imagined you would have to say. here's a few of the things I was calling out to them:

-no to whatever is banging!

-please get the pen out of brigs' diaper

-yes Claire, you have to wear panties to go outside 

-NO to the BANGING!

-I'll get you the toliet paper Trey! I'm almost done!

...all this is all while I'm trying to shower as fast as possible! they keep me on my toes, but they also keep me smiling!

(Her love for these fake teeth also keeps me smiling! Hahahaha!)

He's five!

Trey is 5! it really is amazing how fast these past five years have gone, it is hard to believe! I remember so well the emotion of seeing his sweet little face for the first time, I look at him now and it's still the same perfect face… just on a much bigger body!

It is hard for me to even put into words how special he is to us. we are constantly amazed at his kindness and gentleness and patient nature. he is so happy, and he loves to make others happy, he has such a desire to do what is right. He definitely is meant to be a big brother, he is so sweet to Claire and Brigham, he loves them so much and is all his doing little things for them, and then tells me "mom I know this'll make them so happy!" We know he is our child by his whacky sense of humor; he gets us laughing pretty hard with his dance moves and made up words! He still loves dinosaurs and puzzles, and his newest hobby, Lego! He is very organized and meticulous, something that his teacher was quick to notice also. She said he is always so careful whenever he's coloring or painting and is always checking to make sure the toys have been put away in the right spots. He is just like that at home, which makes him my number one helper! I honestly depend on him so much, he is such a little responsible man! I tell Brock all the time that Trey can make a bed better than he can, ha! 

Trey, you have brought nothing but immense joy to us from the moment we found out you were coming! I remember when you were born realizing that in a year we would have a one-year-old… And in three years a three-year-old… I didn't know if I was ready, but you have taught me so much, and your love for me and your patience as I learn how to be a mother has shaped me into a much better person than i was before you came. Watching you grow and become more independent, makes my heart burst with love and break all at the same time. It wish so badly for you to stay my little boy forever, but can't deny the level of happiness it brings to watch you discover new things as you grow. You are an amazing boy, who can do so much good, and my greatest goal is to help you never to forget it!

(no hurry) september

As September started, our calendar was already looking crazy! And now, looking back at it we had at least one thing every single day! 

Something that I had been thinking about was the word "hurry", I know that when I am saying hurry, or other words or phrases like it it's because I am feeling stressed. And I also know that I don't want my children feeling hurried through their childhoods. So with these thoughts in mind I decided to challenge myself to not say the word hurry for the month of September... I wasn't perfect, I said hurry and other things like it 7 times, I kept a tally in my phone, but I can say that this challenge really helped us, especially me, in our daily comings and goings. I made sure to plan enough time so that my children would be able to do things the way they wanted and on their own. When we were out and I was tempted to hurry them along it made me step back and really think about why I felt that way, and pretty much everytime it was because I wanted to do things on my timetable, which I know isn't necessarily the right one. I had so many extra sweet moments with them because I wasn't trying to rush, and just let myself see things more from their sweet perspectives.

One day we were having a hard day; so much was going on, everyone was tired and a little bit cranky, I was doing laundry and was listening to an interview on the MormonChannel "keeping your sanity in a home of little ones" trying to gain a little bit more patience. I was walking up the stairs with a basket of laundry and a big plastic airplane falls onto my head and cut my ear. In the interview a woman was just talking about the physical demands of parenting young children... I'm not going to lie I cried a little bit, it hurt! but I also had to laugh, I was glad I was listening to that interview so that I could find the humor in it... 

Thinking back on my little challenge I know that when I'm feeling stressed about the things to be done, and feel like I'm about to lose myself to my emotions, it is because I am trying to hurry MYSELF too much...which then can spill over to my children. when I sense that feeling creeping in, I know that I have the power to choose how I respond, and when I remember that, I also know that my reactions teach my children how to react. how else can I become the patient person and mother I'm striving to be?when those icky parts of ourselves are being pulled out, we have the chance to learn from them (and learn and learn and learn) until we master them. because when those (hard, crazy, frustrating, emotional) moments have passed and I CHOSE to feel patience and love, our home is a place of peace and love. I know that my relationships with my husband and children are worth slowing down for.