lessons from a cast

one sad day last fall, I sat down at the computer to write. i needed to think and process, but i wasn't ready to hit "publish" just yet.
i was reading through some of the "drafts" i have on here and i felt like i wanted to share what i have, and am still trying, to learn.

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trey had his cast taken off today- we were told last december that he would go through a final round of casting to treat his clubfoot, but that seemed forever away. when time finally came, he wasn't too happy about it. it took brock, and i, and a couple nurses to hold him down when he got the first one on, the next two he did a little better, and only he and I were sweating once it was done. he did pretty good with it on, but mostly he just really wanted it off. it was a long month. he would hit it with things, try to pull on it, all the while yelling "off! off! off!" i sometimes forget that he really doesn't know any different. since one week old, he has had either had a cast or a brace that he has to wear. there have been many, many nights since then where i have been rocking him, or laying beside him, trying to help him be comfortable. i've sat crying and listening at his door as he struggles and cries, praying he would find comfort with his brace on. i have wanted so, so badly to just take the brace off, to give him some relief. i pray he can somehow understand that we were doing this to him because we love him, and want him to be able to walk and run and do anything he wants without difficulty. i know someday he will be grateful for it, but in the middle of the night when he's upset and all i hear is a big metal bar hitting the wall over and over, it seems like that day is far away.

just a few days ago my 13 year old cousin brynn was told her cancer had come back. hearing this news was devastating. i cried. i was angry. i was frustrated. i felt helpless. i prayed and asked why?...why did this have to happen to her again? why did this perfect, wonderful, happy girl have to endure such pain? why did her family have to face this? i was completely wrapped up in my emotions, and then I thought of trey's foot. i thought of the reasons i'd allowed him to suffer, without him understanding why- love.
and then I began to understand more clearly. 

Heavenly Father knows us each. perfectly. 

we are His.

He knows who we are and  have always  been, and most importantly who we can become, and what it will take to become that person.

but we have to trust Him.

becoming a mother has taught me more in 2 years than all the years before. i feel like i can better understand how Heavenly Father loves us, how much, and how perfectly. my faith has grown immensely because i am a mother, because more than anything i understand what it feels like to want your children to believe in you and trust in you.

               october 2010                                                                       october 2012